Hi again everyone!
We've completed our full read of Jennette McCurdy's I'm Glad My Mom Died, and it's finally time to have our February Finale. Our Finales will be an overall review regarding our current read!
Trigger Warning:
Cancer, Eating Disorders, OCD, Schizophrenia, Verbal Abuse, Narcissism, People Pleasing, Death, Grief, Religion, Financial Issues
Overall
~The second half of this book focused mainly on Jennette's life after her mother passes away. Her career has been pigeonholed into youth television, and her ED & Mental Health have taken a turn for the worse. She struggles to get by after her mother's death and is in denial about her mother's abuse towards her. Jennette hits rock bottom in the second half of this book, but we're glad to see that she actually puts in the work to get better, and acknowledges that she needs to improve her way of life. We loved Jennette's voice in her writing and hope she continues to follow whatever her OWN dreams and pathways in life are.
Jennette & Her Mom
~Jennette and her mother have a discussion about her funeral and if Jennette will sing during the service. We were shocked. Absolutely not. It's another control thing for her mother to make Jennette sing in the fast food place, and then to expect Jennette to sing at the funeral? It's embarrassing for Jennette, but she sings in the Panda Express anyways because she knows that disobeying her mother will result in her mother flying into hysterics in order to get what she wants. Finally, Jennette sees that her mother is using her baldness, illness, and impending death to gain pity, and Jennette acknowledges her mother being manipulative for the first time outright. This behavior is intentional in order to gain control over Jennette after the falling out during the Hawaii trip. And Jennette is just about done with it.
~When Jennette, her mother, and her Grandpa leave her apartment and see the iCarly billboard on the studio lot, Jennette's mom takes a photo of that billboard. She does this EVERY TIME they see the billboard. This is kind of cute of what seems like a proud mom, despite her being absolutely insane, but we think this is more of a confirmation that she succeeded in living out her dreams through Jennette instead of an appreciation of her daughter's accomplishments and talents.
~Soon after, Jennette finally breaks up with Joe, because she's over him and his bullshit. This is solid decision-making on Jennette's part. We liked to see this because Joe was definitely a leech and didn't have any of Jennette's best interests in mind. He was taking advantage of her and her success, and it was time for Jennette to leave him. We supported this moment of change initiated by Jennette.
~After her seizure and a short stay in the ICU, Jennette's Mom wakes up and makes comments about Jennette's body. She must be feeling good because she decides to degrade her daughter. The fact that she uses the little energy she has to attack her daughter's appearance speaks volumes about her need for power. Because she feels weak, she decides to take it out on her victim and gain control of the situation in order to feel any kind of dominance. This is common of narcissistic abusers.
~After her first experience in a coma, Jennette's Mom is not talking very well, and she's saying I love you, "half braindead" as Jennette says. Jennette thinks this is endearing, which is true, but at this point, we feel that her mother is just a broken person who is fading due to her disease. It is sad to see her mother growing more infantile due to her illness, but we understand how Jennette could find this moment important to hear her mother say "I love you." This seems lacking in sincerity because she is indeed "half braindead," but at the same time, we all know how Jennette's mother operates. She is a manipulator. Knowing that she may not be able to manipulate in the state she is in, and then hearing her say I love you, it makes sense that Jennette would find this important. Her mom may actually mean it this time. This is huge for Jennette. Her mom may actually be sincere in this moment, because she cannot functionally have a more complex thought after her coma.
~Another big development in Jennette's life is that she becomes an alcoholic. Her drinking about as much as she could while bingeing and purging allows her to not feel her mother's judgment. This must be a massive relief for her, so no wonder she's doing it all the time. It's an easy way to escape the ED, the self-hate, the anxiety and depression, and namely her mother's voice monologuing inside of her. From experience, both of us know that it feels good to not have anxiety and internalized trauma hounding you constantly when it feels like that's all that's in your brain. She is now alone, leaning on alcohol. No more siblings, single, no more men. No help. Not surrounded by friends or mother's overbearing watchful eye. Nobody. She is alone with her ED and alcohol. Not good.
~Her mom finally dies. Remembering the title of the book, this is, frankly, the best thing that has happened to Jennette. The most abusive, manipulative, and unstable force in her life has finally stopped perpetuating the harm. This allows Jennette to be free in many ways. She can make decisions for herself, have bodily autonomy, and pursue her OWN dreams, instead of being subject to her mother's every whim, physically, mentally, and emotionally. This is a double-edged sword, however. She has just lost her mother. As a young girl whose mother was her entire world, losing her mother is devastating at the same time as it is freeing. The conflicting emotions inside Jennette's brain swirl around uncontrollably, which leads to her subsequent alcoholism and increasingly out-of-control behavior.
~This first step into her own freedom comes in the form of having sex for the first time as an adult. Like most of our first experiences, it wasn't entirely pleasing to her, but she was ready and it was time for this particular walk into adulthood. Her body is becoming more womanly and people are noticing it and commenting on it. This does not help with her self-esteem. She finds that she doesn't pursue sex often because she is so preoccupied with alcoholism and her ED.
~At the same time she is having financial issues. Jennette talks with her grandparents about not having any money and then putting money into this shitty house that is never fixed. The decorator and contractor have taken advantage of her. "A pushover is a bad thing to be, an opinionated pushover is worse." Jennette is a self-proclaimed opinionated pushover. As an opinionated pushover, Jennette is furious, but silent, building resentment and stewing in her own anger. Jennette and her therapist speak about how the house is no longer a good investment and that moving out is the way to go - and once Jennette realizes that this is the way to go, she breaks the news to her histrionic grandmother, and sells the house. She is slowly freeing herself from the negative ties that were created during her mother's reign.
Career & Steven
~Jennette was increasingly upset with her co-star, Ariana, for getting a ton of attention because of her new career as a singer/songwriter. Jennette feels like she's being the "good girl," but isn't getting any recognition for it. This relates directly back to how her mother treated her. Because she is not receiving the approval she seeks, even though she's doing what everyone wants, she believes she is doing something wrong and is being punished, just like her mother would have done.
~She wants to be a director, but suddenly someone on set is saying they would quit the show if Jennette directed at all. So the producers cancel her directorial debut. This absolutely destroys Jennette, and she no longer cares about lines or her character and effectively loses all interest in acting. Frankly, this is likely because her mom is no longer making her do it and because she is no longer getting anything out of it that she may have wanted. She gives up on Sam & Cat and quits, finally, after having a breakdown on set. This is the end of her acting career, and even though that is an uncomfortable transition for her, she is also gaining a new level of freedom. She can now pursue her own dream, whatever that is. The possibilities are endless, Jennette just doesn't see that yet at this point in the memoir. She needs to hit rock bottom first before she can come back stronger. Her mother left her with no adult skills or maturity, so she is essentially a child struggling through the world while being treated and given expectations like an adult. This is going to be rough.
~Jennette has no peace after playing the same character for ten years. Jennette hates fame because her mom pushed it upon her. "I can hate someone's dream, even if it's my reality." She is beginning to separate herself from her mother's toxic dream and is realizing that her reality sucks, and maybe she realizes she can change it too.
~The network team eventually offers her $300,000 to sign an NDA hush-money agreement - She says NO and we were both proud of her. Later on, she worries that maybe she should have taken the money, but she is upset about the verbal abuse that she received at the hand of the creator of the show, so she chooses not to take the money. We were VERY proud of Jennette for this. She did the complete opposite of what her mother would have done. Instead of selling herself out, she chooses to have integrity over money and protects her freedoms.
~iCarly has ended, along with Jennette's career, effectively, and Miranda has become a really great friend to her. We were glad they became friends outside of the set. Even though Jennette didn't tell Miranda about her eating disorder until much later, they are very close and plan to continue their relationship. We feel like this is super important for Jennette, to have some kind of friend that is not her mother and is a positive influence in her life, who is an understanding force. Jennette isn't totally alone anymore and has begun to have someone to hold her accountable in a healthy way.
~Despite iCarly and Sam & Cat ending, everyone recognizes Jennette- even her mom's nurses. The nurse comes into her mother's room while Jennette is crying over her mom, and the nurse asks for a picture. People commoditize celebrities often and are insensitive to their true needs. Jennette vehemently hates this. She hates being recognized as Sam and requested for photos and especially hates people repeating her one-liners from the show. Jennette is over the fame. She is breaking away from the broken dream, and it's difficult.
~Eventually, Jennette talks to her agents again and she agrees that she doesn't want to act anymore. She's done with that industry. She wants more control over her life. This is EXTREMELY satisfying to hear from her. She wants to make her own decisions and forge her own path. She's going to find her own future without being pushed around by anyone else.
~Eventually Miranda tries to convince Jennette to come back for the iCarly reboot, but Jennettte declines. We were so PROUD of her!!! Keep saying NO!!!
~Earlier on Jennette meets a guy named Steven in Canada while trying to film a new Netflix show that ends up tanking. He seems too good to be true. Steven finally invites her on a date after she's been meeting him "accidentally." They become a couple and they're happy together. This is a healthy relationship! Woohoo! She goes back home to LA, he comes to visit and finds out about her Bulimia. They promise to each other to stop their compulsive behaviors. For the first time, someone who actually loves her is holding her accountable to a healthy standard. This. Is. Huge. We love Steven who loves Jennette who we love.
~Eventually we see that Steven is getting into Evangelical Christianity. He wants to take a vow of celibacy- and then she forces him to have oral sex after he doesn't give consent. Jennette was in the wrong here- and this was rapey of her. Broken people hurt others. Knowing that this is the beginning of Steven's mental illness showing its head, it's sad to know what is coming, and it's sad to know that Jennette has no idea, and is hoping she can sway him back to being "normal" by having sex with him. Suddenly, Steven believes that he is Jesus Christ reincarnated. It's so shocking it's funny. He clearly has serious mental issues or has joined a cult. We thought it was funny at first, and then the more serious he was, the less funny it was. The one person who loved Jennette authentically has essentially left the building. The devastation Jennette must have felt would have been monumental. The one person who she had hoped was going to keep her safe is now seemingly out of his mind.
~She then goes to Australia for Teen Choice awards again, knowing that Steven is struggling. Steven's parents call and say he may have Schizophrenia and that he has been checked into a hospital, which is a good thing, but it's scary, knowing what goes into joining an outpatient/inpatient program. It is not easy to fix a delusional mental capacity, especially in someone that is deeply tied to the religion they may be actually delusional about. She comes home from the trip and he is now medicated on Lithium; Jennette believes that they will be able to survive and help each other now that she is in therapy and he is getting medicine, but it feels obvious that hope is waning. We are grasping for little bits of hope for them to stay together now. Steven has essentially become an unmotivated (common on Lithium) pothead and Jennette is frustrated, because he isn't the same person he used to be. Losing someone to mental illness is one of the hardest things to deal with. Especially someone you love dearly. They break up because he really isn't the same person anymore. Lithium has made him "normal," but his personality has changed. She needs to keep moving forward and she will find someone right for her.
ED & Therapy
~After her mother's seizure, Jennette's ED journey takes a turn for the worse. She attempts to vomit up her food for the first time and it doesn't work. This is the beginning of her bulimia. When her mother comes to after the seizure - the first thing she says is that Jennette shouldn't be eating fast food. Amazing. This triggers the shit out of Jennette and the ED spins out of control after her mother's death.
~Once she finally makes herself vomit for real, she feels "victorious." At one point she puts perfume on her food to try to make herself stop eating it, but then she eats the food anyways with the perfume on it, and then vomits again. She is out of control and really very ill in regards to her relationship with food and her body. She tries buying expensive foods hoping that because she spends more money on it that she'll be more inclined to eat it and keep it down. This doesn't work either.
~Jennette talks about the control of Anorexia. And the out-of-control-ness of bulimia. And how the two are different but related. We agree with her words here, that Anorexia is about control and Bulimia is less controlled - but in reality, BOTH ED's are signs of a person who has an out-of-control relationship with their image of themselves. To have an ED is to have a disease. It is not simply a concern with one's bodily image - it means someone cannot functionally consume and keep down food in order to nourish themselves because the relationship they have with their body is incredibly warped and unhealthy. She even says at one point that she feels codependent with her bulimia. We say dump him! Listen to your body - I'm hungry, I don't want alcohol. I need rest. We learn she is obsessively exercising at the same time, running half-marathons weekly. This is another OCD tendency. She's breaking out in welts due to over-drinking. Her teeth begin to fall out. She's deteriorating.
~Her struggling with going to therapy means she is not getting the support or help she needs in order to survive the ED. In our opinion, she was slowly dying before she began therapy with Laura and Jeff.
~When Steven finds out about Jennette's Bulimia- he says he won't stay with her unless she holds herself to a healthy standard. He cares about her well-being. We think this was a necessary ultimatum. If he had not pushed her- she would not have gotten the help she needed. She goes to therapy for the first time, and we were soooo excited to see this happen for her. She was even excited for the therapy!
~Jennette was doing so well with Laura because Laura was with her every step of the way- even going to events with her and assisting in food choices- until Laura began to pinpoint Jennette's mother as the source of Jennette's issues. Shit happening in your childhood makes you who you are - and Jennette is in denial - "Not Me," she claims. She refuses to admit that her mother was a narcissistic abuser, which is a hard thing to admit at the tail end of her mother's death. Jennette quits therapy with Laura and goes back to her typical ED habits and compulsions. We were very sad when this happened- because we really did want the best for Jennette in the moment. That being said, having attended therapy ourselves, we understand why she left. She wasn't ready for the truth to be acknowledged outright, and she needed more time to process her trauma after the loss.
~Eventually, we were happy to find, Jennette does go back to therapy - a dietician and ED Therapist named Jeff. She starts doing DBT and CBT regarding her food - logging her feelings and the foods she's eating. They start talking about triggers and how to avoid them, and then they begin to talk about Slips, and not letting Slips become Slides - don't spiral down to the bottom - but forgive yourself instead and start over. This is valuable life advice for anybody but particularly applies to compulsive mental illness. It is very hard to curb compulsive behavior in people, and doing it on your own for yourself is even harder, especially while grieving a loss.
~Eventually she makes so much progress that she is no longer considered fully bulimic. She goes weeks without throwing up, which means she is improving significantly! The rest of the book does not focus on the ED as much, but by the end, she mentions that she has a much more comfortable relationship with food and her body, not having vomited for significant stretches of time. We are so proud of her!
Paternity
~Another shocking moment in the novel was learning that Jennette's Dad was not actually Jennette's Dad!!! She goes to meet her biological father in person, and she receives closure. She realizes that her life was never what she thought it was, and chooses to let go of it, which is HUGE for Jennette.
~For both of us, this spoke greatly about Jennette's mother's relationships with the adults around her. She took advantage of everyone and really wasn't close with anybody her own age. She used her husband and her kids and her "friends" in order to achieve her personal goals. Narcissism at its finest.
Grieving an Abuser
~At the funeral, Jennette goes to sing and she breaks down and screams into the mic. The complication of having an abuser who is a parent is an immense weight to carry. You love the family member underneath the abuse, but you can't ignore that abuse. Why do we put mothers on pedestals when they can be extremely harmful to their children? Just because someone is a mother does not mean they are a good person, and does not mean they will foster good things in their children. Her mom was her whole entire fucking world and Jennette should be affected by her death. She can't pretend that her mom's death didn't ruin her.
~We see where Jennette's mom's narcissistic behaviors came from. Jennette's Grandmother is just as melodramatic as Jennette's mother, and we see very clearly how Jennette's mother became seriously abusive- as her mother likely abused her. Jennette doesn't want to become her mother. She states, "Mom didn't get better. But I will." This is the choice. How she responds to being treated so poorly? This is it. She will get better. How lovely in every way. Children sometimes have to break the generational trauma their parents passed along to them in order to live healthy lives.
Conclusion
~So, we believe everyone should read this book, if not for personal reasons, then to give an ear to a woman with a contemporary story and wisdom that deserves to be heard.
See you next month!
Ceraya & Brieanna
P.S. Burger King Tacos?! Bring them back!
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