Hi there!
Welcome to our February Intermission for Jennette McCurdy's I'm Glad My Mom Died - a moment in time when we pause halfway through our books and take stock of our experiences with characters, themes, and the story itself - making plot predictions along the way!
Trigger Warning:
Cancer, Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Eating Disorders, OCD, Questionable Age-Gap Relationships, Verbal Abuse, Narcissism, People Pleasing
Overall
~So far, we have liked this book a ton. The honesty and down-to-earth voice that Jennette speaks with has made this read all the more moving. The words she speaks validate millions of individuals and bring a new light to child abuse in the current United States. Yes, people still harm their children daily like this, even if you can't see it. And those victims deserve a voice- Jennette is one of those voices.
Jennette
~From the beginning, she doesn't like how her mother acts but goes with it because she is a child and needs her mother's strength, even if that strength may be incredibly misguided. In the first half of this novel, we see Jennette go through quite a dynamic change: Puberty. This becomes the main conflict in the first half of this book. But more than that, we see her become averse to her mother's behavior and attitude. As she becomes a woman, she becomes independent from her mother, whether she or her mother, likes it or not. Something instinctual inside Jennette speaks to being a People Pleaser- we can't let being a People Pleaser directly correlate to how we feel about ourselves. "If my Mom is not happy, I can't be happy." This is a lesson Jennette learns throughout the book as she recounts her memories with her mother.
~Her narration is so insightful that it doesn't seem like it's coming from a six-year-old, early on in the book. We were impressed with her memory and a little shocked that she could remember as much as she did. Whether or not she embellished, we aren't speculating, but it is probable that she could remember more as a result of her trauma. She may also be an empath due to her narcissistic parent. When things are talked about so often, you may just know it without having remembered it. So if her mother recounted things frequently, which she did, Jennette may have learned memories from discussing her childhood.
~She deserved to just be a kid - and she didn't get to be. Every passion she had, or each childhood interest, was ultimately crushed by her mother's narcissism and selfish dream. Jennette deciding to write a screenplay and then her mother shitting on it was the perfect example. If it's the first time your child brings up a genuine interest that they have, as a parent, you should encourage and foster that growth, not snuff out their desire to create. This initiates a lack of trust between mother and daughter. If Jennette "can't share [her] favorite color," there's a serious problem here. Jennette's justification of her mother's behavior is upsetting; the fact that she is telling herself that her mom only loves her for acting like her is incredibly fucked up. There is no individuality. Only obedience to a mom who cares only about herself and has no compassion in her heart for Jennette's needs.
~Jennette feels good about Church because it feels good to be a member of a community outside of her disgusting and traumatic home life. If you are in a community (at home or elsewhere) where you do not feel respected or encouraged to do the things you want to do, you need to leave. People spend time in different communities because they think it is worth their time and they receive some kind of comfort from it. If you are not getting comfort from that place, you have every right to remove yourself from the situation. Especially if it is in your home. Jennette was trapped in her home and her mother's grasp, and church was the only escape.
~The physical abuse reported here is another huge issue. Seeing that her mom was showering her and wiping her bum for her? Her mom giving exams of her vagina and breasts? Up until 16 years old? Not only is this hyper control of Jennette's bodily image, but it also takes away any of her bodily autonomy. Her mother's inability to let go of things (broken mugs, trash, etc.) makes for a horrifying reality- that this mother can't let go of her children's youth. She can't accept their growth. Her showering her children together may not be sexually gratifying for her, but she is reliving memories from when her children were babies and non-sexual. But putting them through it while they've become sexual is incredibly violating towards her children- and again all because she is selfishly acting out her desires.
~As Jennette becomes more famous because iCarly is doing very well, she starts feeling resentful towards her mother for putting her into this situation. She hates it. All of it. FINALLY, she's mad at her mom for what she's doing to her. In her late teens, she finally finds her voice. The problem is the obsession with perfection- and Jennette has picked up on this compulsion in her mother. Fame has hit Jennette hard, and in a way she was not expecting. She has to be perfect and "on" all the time, in order to please her mom and her fans, and it makes her ill. This puts a wedge between her and her mother, because she achieved such fame, but is now understanding that it was never her dream in the first place. She is ready to move on from her mother's dream and create a future of her own.
~By the time her mother moves into her adult apartment with her, Jennette's Mom has effectively deleted all boundaries between them. They sleep in the same bed. Jennette is self-aware now. She's not so much thinking about pleasing her mom anymore - but instead, she's beginning to create her own private life outside of her mom's demands. She's beginning to break free from the habit of pleasing her narcissistic mother. Jennette has accepted that she has her own issues, and she can see her mother for who she truly is, and it's time to end it.
~At the same time that Jennette is moving into this apartment and her sick mother is trailing along, Jennette begins a relationship with Joe. She hides it from her mother as much as she can, and granted the relationship is questionable due to a large age gap and motivations that Joe might have in being with her, but Jennette is finally making decisions for herself, even if they are behind her mother's back. In this case, we think it's totally okay for her to make decisions like this because Jennette's mother does not have Jennette's best interests in mind anyways- she only wants Jennette to obey her.
~When Joe and Jennette are in Hawaii for a trip, and the paparazzi expose her and Joe to the world, Jennette's mother goes ballistic; 83 missed calls, 16 voicemails, 26 emails, a letter to Jennette's fans slandering her name, and blaming her daughter for her cancer coming back, all over the course of three days. And after that, a request for money for a new fridge. Twice. Jennette's reaction to this - trying to get on mom's good side- is a sad reality. Often victims return to their abusers, and with the abuser being Jennette's own mother, this is much more complicated. There is still some kind of love there, whether there should be or not.
Mom: The Narcissist
~"She needed us to be nothing without her." Classic narcissist. This woman is a menace upon the world and her own children. Using her illness to gain favor? Narcissistic. Forcing her daughter to live out her own dream? Narcissistic. Slut shaming her daughter because she is jealous? Narcissistic. Often children with narcissistic parents have to be highly in tune with their demanding parents' emotional needs, otherwise, they trigger the parents' emotional imbalances.
~Mothers with unchecked mental illness create daughters with mental illness. Again for the people in the back: Mothers with unchecked mental illness create daughters with mental illness. Especially Jennette's mom. She talks about having cancer all the time, not just when she's using it to get something from someone. This reminded us that sometimes people will talk about the most exciting thing to happen to them, whether good or bad and sometimes use it to garner favor or sympathy with others or to guilt others into submission. Jennette's mother does the latter, she reminisces about cancer like people reminisce about vacation and brings it up as often as possible- not only with her family and close friends, but with producers, agents, and other professionals involved in her daughter's career in order to gain handouts and pity.
~ The lack of Dad's presence in Jennette's life has a major effect on Jennette. Her mother's treatment of him is very visible in the family home, creating a toxic environment for everyone. The one moment Jennette gets to spend quality time with her dad, they have an amazing time and Jennette gets to be a carefree kid again. And that's about it, sadly. Jennette doesn't seem to have many memories about her father, other than how her mother harassed and verbally abused him, going so far as to throw things at him and kick him out of the house for weeks at a time.
~The flip side of this is that Jennette's mom might have actually made a good manager if she had been a bigger advocate for her own child's needs in this particular career field.
She showed that she was totally Jennette-focused when Jennette might not have gotten a part- and instead of losing her cool - she had Jennette improve her skills so that her auditions became better and better down the line. Sadly, forcing her child to work while sick defeats any hope that she might have been that great of a manager. She pushed Jennette, yes, but she didn't protect her. We have to remember that this was Jennette's MOM's dream, not Jennette's. Everything was done for Jennette's mom to live vicariously through her daughter and use her daughter for her own personal gain. Jennette didn't decide to do this- her mother manipulated her into thinking that existing solely for her mother's happiness was the right thing.
~Why hasn't anybody stood up against her and her insane behavior? Nobody sets boundaries with her, so she gets away with everything. Dad takes the abuse instead of filing for divorce or somehow protecting the kids. The kids have to sleep on gym mats because their mother is using their rooms for hoarding storage, and none of the adults in the home advocate for the kids' health or comfort. Everything is "fine" as long as Jennette's mother gets what she wants.
~When Jennette's relationship with Joe is finally exposed, Jennette's mother loses it. As Jennette becomes a teenager and young adult, her mother begins to see that Jennette wants to live her own life and not fulfill her mother's every wish. Jennette's mother is violently upset that she can do nothing to prevent her daughter from becoming independent. This is the ultimate affront to a narcissist: the independence of their victims. Jennette effectively took away her mother's power over her for those three days in Hawaii, and the return of the cancer combined with Jennette's independence defeated her mother. This total deduction of power from her mother's life caused Jennette's mother to brutally attack Jennette in the most extreme way she knew how - slandering her image, her career, and her relationship with her. Narcissists often verbally abuse their victims into submission in order to keep them under their thumb. Jennette falls right into the trap, going back to her "Nonny Mommy," and trying to preserve the relationship.
Child Actors
~The expectation of Jennette to receive the world as an adult woman while she is a child and growing teen is insane, and after reading this first half of the novel, it makes us wonder about the ethics involved in child acting. The concept of Hollywood and children seems to be a morally grey area. On one hand, children and childhood are integral to most, if not all stories, and youths need to experience representation on TV and in film. On the other hand, having children on film sets and exploiting their emotions for entertainment is crummy. Telling a child they are too pretty or not pretty enough for a role is disgusting. Telling a child to think about their sibling dying from pneumonia in order to cry on cue is appalling. It seems that children in the entertainment industry are inherently exploited. Jennette's mother does this to her in her professional life and exploits her in her personal life as well. Guilting her into obedience at any chance.
~Typically with child actors, parents are living vicariously through their children. Very rarely does a child that young have a genuine passion for anything but toys and finger-paints, which is how it should be. They shouldn't be worried about how they look in a bikini at fourteen. That being said, often children are sexualized for the screen for one reason or another, and are expected to act as characters that are incredibly different from the children who portray them. It is typically difficult for a child to not conflate who they are with the character they play without resulting in issues in their development. Jennette didn't have this problem as much, but she knew that her mother was forcing her to play these characters for her own selfish reasons.
~"The Creator" as God on the set is another sad concept to think about - he gets whatever he wants and gets to do whatever he wants. He makes anyone feel how he wants them to feel, whether good or bad, and manipulates people just as viciously as Jennette's mother does. Jennette's mother is Jennette's own personal "God" as much as the Creator is "God" on set. These are manipulative adults who abuse children for their own gain. It seems that these kinds of people find each other and conspire to continue with the abuse of children. Think Ghislane Maxwell and Harvey Weinstein.
~Then Jennette made a great point. She probably will never be in a movie because she's a child star; there's really nothing beyond that type of career - rarely do child actors make the transfer into the adult acting scene. I'm sure this reminds everyone of Miley Cyrus - her seeming trashiness was a fiesta for the media - when in reality she was just growing up. We all grow up and become more independent and sexual in our young adulthood. When you're a child star, your growth is considered shocking rather than normal. You're not just a rebellious teenager- you're an affront to society because your rebellion is so incredibly public.
~The adults in this industry make the child actors seem thankful for the exploitation they receive is another aspect of this industry. By convincing a child that they're getting the good stuff, you can coerce them into staying in the position they're currently in- one in which they are being used. "'You're very lucky, Jennetter.' 'I know,' I say while he keeps rubbing me."
Puberty
~Jennette's developing body, specifically her growing breasts, devastate Jennette and her mother. This isn't due to health reasons, but for Jennette's mother, it is the beginning of the end of Jennette's career as a child star. Her mom wants her to stay a baby so that she can keep booking child roles, and introduces her to calorie restriction in order to keep herself small. This is shown yet again when she finally has her first cycle. Instead of throwing a party or celebrating that Jennette is healthy and growing, her mother says, "I'm so sorry," as if the loss of childhood purity has happened and Jennette is permanently damaged. She will never be the same because you can't stop all the growth that happens during puberty, and restricting calories can't stop it either, no matter how hard you try.
~Her mother teaching her calorie restriction, shaving her legs for her, and sexually abusing Jennette by bathing her and inspecting her genitals and breasts until she was sixteen, is a sign of the deep-rooted issues that Jennette's mother has with her daughter going through puberty and growing into the woman she will inevitably become. We believe that it is not all just keeping her daughter a baby because she misses the golden years- we also think that it has to do with the rivalry that Jennette's mother seems to have with her teenage daughter- choosing to slut shame her own daughter as soon as she shows any interest in men.
~Jennette's first personal choice is when she chooses to break up with Lucas, the boy she meets on tour. She is excited by him but knows that it won't work out. This is a big moment for her because her mom knows nothing about it, and she gets to have a small taste of independence, and she loves it. This is one thing that is only hers. And because her mom was not on tour with her, Jennette finally feeds her body with food and feeds her soul with boys. She is doing what is right for her, and trying to bounce back, even though she doesn't yet realize it.
~Meeting Joe and beginning her first adult relationship behind her mother's back is another big step for Jennette. This is also when she had her first adult apartment, and even though she shared it with her sick mother, she carried on with Joe for over a year, calling in her friends to help hide this from her mother. This was also when Jennette began having her first sexual experiences as an adult. Like many women, her first sexual experience wasn't the greatest, and she protected herself by remaining abstinent for a long time. This fear of intimacy began with her mother, and likely her invasion of Jennette's bodily privacy. Her growing up and into owning her body and feeling confident is a long way off, and her mental health does not help.
Mental Illness & Eating Disorders
~Mothers with eating disorders and warped views of their bodies create daughters with eating disorders and warped views of their bodies. Saying it once again for the people in the back: Mothers with eating disorders and warped views of their bodies create daughters with eating disorders and warped views of their bodies. We see the chain begin when Jennette's grandmother commented on Jennette's mother's body when she was a child. Jennette's grandmother to Jennette's mother to Jennette. The lack of education that Jennette received regarding food and health contributed to her long-term issues with food, and her mother's early teaching her about calorie restriction essentially created Jennette's Eating Disorder.
~Jennette's OCD is another direct result of the lack of control she feels in her life, especially in early childhood. Her mother micromanages her so much that her mind copes by channeling her need to compulsively control her own life through her religious good feelings. The "Still Small Voice" inside of her, or the "Holy Spirit," as Jennette thinks, is the first time we see her compulsion cause her to do irrational repeated behaviors for comfort.
~Telling a child that they have to be skinny to be acceptable is the root of the problem. Jennette's Mom starts to teach her daughter to restrict calories, and how to effectively be anorexic, in order to keep herself small. Most often, Eating Disorder issues like this come from parents, siblings, or friends during the formative years. Hot tea every morning for breakfast? Not enough. Steamed Veggies for dinner? Not enough. No lunch? Not enough. And then if there is a lunch, it's either a salad with nothing or half a granola bar? NOT ENOUGH. It's never enough in this situation. Then cut all of that in half? We did the math; Jennette was likely getting less than 500 calories a day for this period of time when she should have been getting about triple that as a growing child.
~Jennette's mother is totally malicious and complicit in the fact that her daughter has an eating disorder. Weighing her in weekly, and pushing diet books onto her daughter frequently is just insane for a child younger than 18. When she goes to the doctor, mom makes the excuse that she's eating normally and that she doesn't know what's wrong. A child should not have to worry about their body and weight to this degree at this age. Kids should be having fun and learning life lessons and making friends and enjoying healthy time with family, but instead, Jennette is counting calories. This is abusive to the ultimate degree. She's 14 and still in a booster seat because her growth is so stunted by the eating disorder.
~By 18 she begins to realize that she suffers from mental illness. And that the still small voice in her is in fact her OCD. This realization comes at the moment she is still suffering from anorexia and when her relationship with her mom goes south due to cancer and the paparazzi exposing her and Joe in Hawaii.
Where We Are Now
~Jennette's mother has essentially disowned her and turned on her after Jennette's relationship with Joe went public.
~Jennette is severely affected by her mother's micromanagement both in her anorexia and OCD.
~We have seen how the world of child acting has affected Jennette.
Where We Go From Here
~We have a feeling Jennette's mother is going to pass away rather quickly and the rest of this novel will involve Jennette's healing process. Will she get better? Will she attend therapy? Will she leave Joe? Will she learn more about herself and her body?
~Will sexual abuse be revealed?
~Is the spin-off Sam & Cat to come in the second half of the book?
~Will we find out more about Church? Will Jennette go back?
~Does she ever acknowledge or get help for her eating disorder?
~ We are curious to know what her family's reactions are going to be to her mom's death.
~What happens after these emails? Was there any closure?
Conclusion
So far we are loving this book and can't wait to see what is coming next.
With love, see you at the end of February!
Ceraya & Brieanna
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